What is this?

The calm around speaks
But never tells you what you seek

A delicate figure comes to your mind
Fragile it is, but has a harmless charm
Captured you are; but never tied

You cannot breathe, you almost choke
Drowning is the feeling, but still you fly
Like the drop, poised gently, to be free
Though it sticks, fear of fall

A caress is what you need
The one that never full fills
A silent voice you require
So that you may finally hear

Close your eyes and you feel
An emptiness, you fear
An innocence, you wear
An eloquence, that no one else sees as clear

A free mind

There was a boy. He did whatever he liked, never listened to anyone and never took advice. But yes he observed, and he did observe the slightest of the stir. He believed in being original, being his own. He thought of himself very highly, loved everything he did and thus never questioned his conscience. To his near ones he was an obstinate and a highly egoistic boy. He grew up on these beliefs of his, strengthening every aspect of his creance with every question that life brought. He never believed he was wrong.
Until sometime, something strange happened. No one can describe the strangeness. But from then onwards the boy lost his self. He started to dream. He started being carried away by his feelings. He suddenly felt jealousy. He suddenly thought what would the world think. He lost his confidence and could no longer distinguish between right or wrong. He could only see his mind wandering over one thing. There was nothing more that bothered him, but just that. And that made him feel frustration, anger and loneness of the magnitude he had never felt in his life. He called it love.
It took a long time for him to get back, realize what is happening around him. To restore his self being. And then he thought, is he such an weak character that he can be thrown out of balance by the just simple human emotions. He tried to figure out the answers and to find a new self. It was very difficult. Nothing made sense to him from the new perspective he had grown by now. Instead he realized the whole idea of self discovery that he had been so much proud of is nothing but just the pursuit itself. He could never find an answer but the way to find the answer.
In his new mind he had a lot of things cleared up, sorted out. But he did regret one thing. He had lost the compassion he had in him earlier while making the new the self. He started to care less about the others, he started to accept that no one is for the other but for own self. Now his mind did not have any fixed point to think from but an arbitrary conscious which he felt was too much of an hard work to keep afloat. He wondered, is that it? Do all the questions he had have this answer. So long he did not want to learn this fact. Just ignoring it, but as he was always; never listened to others. And now faced a strong reality: Life is nothing more but pure hard work and attention to detail, everything else that goes around is set automatically. In fact he thought even having fun, enjoyment or pleasure did require a strong conscious mind, and he could no longer afford to let his mind free. He said to himself, a free mind cannot be trusted, it is bound to go wrong; how so ever the way may seem right at that point of time. But he still loved his free mind.

Avēre

Arcane contemplation;
The thought such
Required a culmination;
Am I a human too much?

Water and Cloth, I require so much;
Love and Seduction, I indulge so much;
Spare is what I needn't ,
Care is what I don't.

Exonerate me, I may see;
Reverberate it, I may remember.
Make me assiduous, remove the resentment
And make me tender.
But will that serve the purpose?

Alacrity I love, Pulchritude I adore;
And humans have the most of them both.
Void is what that never fills;
And that, adds frills.

I am a human too much!

Growing Up?

Sincerity is a chore that we perform every day. Honesty is a conscious constant effort, like hiking up your pants when you don't have a belt. Love is the nearest street corner to your house, you see it every day and you pass it by, always reminded, always there for the taking. Truth is brushing your teeth, you can force it, fake it, or mean it, but if you get it done eventually you'll come to like it.

Wonder why it took me so long to realize this! Wonder why I seemed to go round and round but never to the point! It's more of a perfect day today rather than just any other day! Its worthless stretching and rebounding every time like a rubber band, but invaluable staying like a long and calm thread. You just need to stop and clean up the mess around.

And now I feel like lying down and wondering, what had happened, what had got a hold on me. Was I so weak? Was I so stupid? But I will probably never get an answer, or maybe I just grew up.

Anyone Believes?

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So you believe in a super-duper-natural power? Answer without thinking, an answer which you would give instantaneously, an answer of yours which you will carry with you, all your life. I don’t want a answer that you will give to me, or to someone else for that matter, but an answer that you'll keep to yourself. It is good, if at least you have an answer. Whatever it may be, I really don't care. It is your belief, and its yours, purely yours. And I do respect that, with all my heart.

People have beliefs, people have religion, people have gods. I am not at all saying its bad; after all, almost everyone; you see around has one, and this is probably a good thing to have. Belief does give you some calm, ease, and maybe some relief. Religion has been here for long, maybe from the time when first of the intelligent life existed. It is something which has pursued itself, made a place for itself, in our minds, which we call conscience sometimes. Religion (or belief) might be good, but I really need to question if everyone requires it or not. I cannot just accept it as it is, I need a reason to follow it.

But sadly or maybe for the good, I never found one. Really what's the point? It makes your life easier, or maybe you believe it that ways. You just leave something for some unseen, unpredictable, unknown force to complete it for you. You say it would be done if god wishes it to be. You stop worrying about it. You become indifferent. Maybe this is good for some situations, but the same states of mind can be achieved through reasonable thinking too. Why do you want to shy away from the situation, you can probably be much more confident if you just think it over rather than leaving it to your god. Also to an addition to this you waste your time too, going to the worship places and etc. I have seen people spending huge amount of their time and money on religious ceremonies, customs, etc; which instead could have been utilized in a more efficient manner; maybe for some charity incase they have money to just to burn.

I say faith makes you do less amount of work on your thoughts. I say it makes you hollow from inside, which is exactly opposite to what many say "Religion completes you". Maybe I am too wild to accept religion ever, but I certainly won't accept it until I find a reason to.

The problem is I cannot stop thinking about religion coz its so much prevalent, so much wide spread and so much talked about. And I am completely baffled by this fact. There has to be something which is supporting it so much. And I do think sometimes it might be the "God" ;)

The same "sunny" Sun?

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Now this is going to be weird! So just enjoy reading it.

Its spring, the smell is beautiful, the wind is just fine, it penetrates your clothes giving just the perfect sensation of being free, being just the right feeling to feel like. You are in a lovely mood, mood in which you feel you are being lifted, just the right mood. Everything is just the right as it can be, everything is in order, you have a lot of energy inside you, you want to do anything or a something you always wanted to do. Its just right almost as if it's perfect, or is it?

Suddenly, it grows dark, darker than it is just before the sunrise, darker than black itself. The darkness grows slowly but it grows and it grows as perfectly as the sun moves up in the morning but a little faster, so that you do really see it growing. What did just happen, you don't know, I don't know, maybe some UFO covered the earths surface just above you, or maybe it is the moon. You can't see anything, nothing at all, then there is a faint light, as faint it can be, your eyes identify it really fast, coz you were scared, you just wanted to see light again.

You look forward, your pupils dilute more in order too see, get more of the strange light in, you go close to it, close enough. It is bluish in color, the color of the inner flame of a candle. Then you stop, you see. Really, do you see? What do you see? Ill tell you what you see; there's a face, a small face about the size of your small finger, the one which is the smallest. Its is small but it is old and it seems cold. Cold, because its blue, it’s a face being formed in the flame with those small dark spots for eyes, mouth and a well um long beard. It says something, to you, you heard it, I didn't. It said "I am the sun, I came to eat you up." You didn’t speak or did you? You opened your mouth but nothing comes out. The face continues, it says further, "will you let me?" You finally speak, "no, but how, you are so small, you can’t be the sun, you are something else!", to this the face replies, "Yes, I am the sun, I have turned down my job as a warmth giver, as life supporter, the cosmos fired me, they don’t believe in my vanity any more. They say I am useless. They took away my powers. So I am going to finish you off too". You are suddenly under the face's grip, you believe it. You don't move.

It eats you up. You are now nowhere, nowhere inside or nowhere outside, nor in middle of some nowhere, but you still have the conscious of being somewhere. Maybe inside the sun. But you don’t feel anything else, nothing else, you don't have anything attached to you to feel about. You feel absolute nirvana. The time stops.

Note: Well to share the credit, this idea of sun gobbling you up was Dhruv's. Thank you Dhruv! Couldn't have done this without your inspiration.

Anger

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Only if I didn’t have to do it. Only if I wasn't supposed to do it. Only if this world didn’t require me to do it. I wish I couldn’t do it. I wish I had not been told to do it. Many times you don't want to do anything or a something but this fucking world requires you to do exactly it. Precisely the thing you hate to do. Quite the thing that makes you angry when you are told to do.

Is there a way out? Maybe yes, maybe not.
Depends if you have a habit of giving in and accepting, then probably you don't require a solution. You are already doing it, it does not bother you. Just for the sake of it. Just because you are told all of them do it. Just because you have to do it.

I seriously doubt any kind of inquisitiveness in their minds, they are merely robots; learning each thing as it comes, never learn out of them, never find out answers to them, never find something that connects them all. They were never told to question their cognition. They are overwhelmed by this world, making them numb to more the beautiful things in life. They seem so much uninteresting to me, so much boring, so much lifeless. How-so-ever they may seem from the outside. I do not have anything for them.

But then there are some others, who resist, who fight. They can not accept things as they are. It is always difficult for them. Trust me, doing things you seriously can't understand is the worst torture ever! Worse than any situation, worst than any god-damn thing. These are the ones who can feel, sense their own deepest desires, and not shy away from them. They follow one unified rationale for each and every thing. Their madness is their sanity.

But they do overcome this, they understand. This is what maybe is the ultimate test for their logic, without breaking apart, without falling, without going into repression. I don't know if they always succeed but they try. Its always much delightful for them, world thus never seems useless. Always ready, always in touch with their self. Its beautiful again then.

Note: Yeah right, I was in complete angry mood otherwise this post could have been much better, but anyway I posted it. And surprisingly my itunes kept on shuffling Pink Floyd which exaggerated it even more.

Confused

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Traveling, so many people around, different people, people who don't know each other, people like me, maybe like you, different perspectives, different thoughts, different individuals, but still there is stillness, silence, solitude. I have this intensely strong, undeniable, incomparable emotion sometimes.

This stops me, makes me feel like a minuscule particle in this huge huge world. People say world is consolidating. I say its moving apart, breaking into parts, falling apart. There are so much extraordinary amount of thoughts/emotions playing around, if could be recorded would fill our entire capacity only by infinitely small amount of itself.
Different ways I found to digest this;

One way I took it;
I don't know if I was living in a secret bubble of myself or I was just an idiot not to understand this entire complexity and fine balance of existence of human-life. There is just no limit to what people can think of, people can do, people can accomplish. People having different state of minds, some happy, some exhilarated, some bored, some wishing they could die, some wishing they could live forever. And there I was thinking of some weird phenomenon simply away from any other fixed point. I am a anyone, just as anyone, living this life in a futile and a wasteful way, no aim and have no energy to do whatsoever. But then this way at least I am "part" of the rest of it.

And the other after much thinking (…to satisfy my self, which I like the best);
They, not me are idiots, silly, stupid people unaware of everything. I just have to see things as they seem to me, seclude myself from them, try find my own answers. I can do what ever I like to do, make myself useful in any way I want to and completely ignoring all the other beings, as if they don’t exist at all. I can do anything, everything, nothing is impossible; all it needs is deep understanding, of what ever I do. Suddenly I have something in me, sudden upsurge of energy; to do it huge. But then this separates me from the others, they don’t like me. They think I am weird.

What I should be doing;
Well, this is the most practical one, but also most difficult to learn and stay with. Mix both of the above states of mind and use whichever is required whenever. This is stupid, really you are just adapting yourself. Erasing any morals you may have, to fit in here. You are not being true to yourself, saying things just to have you being considered "good" in the society. What the hell, this is really not going to have peace, you know its all made up, nothing is real. You constantly have fear. But one thing, you will be "in" always.

I so much wish, there could be a simpler way, no losing on any part and still be happy! But I don't really think such state exists. But I will never leave hope.

Note: I wrote this while I was feeling so much sleepy, so this might have sounded very, umm cheesy! Inconvenience regretted

Gleaming Thoughts

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Mind You, this record isn't going to be of much practical consequence. Read at your own risk!

Well let’s see, how many times a day/week/month you are in a state of mind of this kind: complete calm, absolute tranquility, free from any sentiment and no stupid love/hate emotion inside your head? You don’t have an answer for this? Then well, I think you are missing an amazing state of mind. Read on to find more…

If you can keep your mind as fresh as you feel just after waking up, always; I believe you have actually found out the perfect way to think! You will never ever fuck things up, never ever make a mess of yourself. This will make you find "how you see things" and not "how you perceive things"; the whole years of existence of mine I have realized "how you see things" is much more revealing about the complex (natural/unnatural) reasons behind it, than how you perceive them from a "worldly" (the quotes are meant to emphasize the word your) perspective; if properly understood how to.

What I am trying to say is see things as they are, do not try seeing them from a conclusive view point. I do accept that doing this might make, the already loaded minds of ours, with much more work to do initially, and it might make you insensitive to certain things but if properly used can relieve us from being anxious, being worried every time. Believe me it’s almost a drug!

Like something if you really like it, hate something if you really hate it, love something if you really love it. But there is a small catch; you need to find the real meaning of "really" in the above lines. This might be useful; if for instance you like some object tell a friend about it but don't take his/her opinion, and you'll soon realize if you "really" like it or not.

This whole thing is much easier to implement if you can keep your mind free from all the worlds crap i.e. keep your brain free from clutter, clean all the dirt! And yes feel above this whole world.

Disclaimer: Trying the above yielded awesome results for me, but yes I became least worried to almost anything and everything and that is not exactly very good. It’s actually too dangerous if you cannot control yourself or you are in a "low" part of your life!